Childless in Seattle

I never felt like not having kids was really my decision.  I felt like it just wasn't in the cards for me.

When I was in my mid to late 20's I wanted kids desperately, but I also wanted to have kids with one person specifically and when that didn't happen, when he was no longer available, so was the feeling.  I no longer had that deep desire I once had and heard other women talk about. 

Around the same time I began working on a child and adolescent psychiatric unit which honestly, if there was any desire left, it faded quickly.  It scared me.  I saw not only how much work it was to raise a child, but I also saw all the things that could go "wrong". 

Many people, co-workers and friends, would tell me not to let my fear of having a kid stop me.  They tried to talk me into it by telling me what a great mom I would be or how much I would regret not having kids.  But there was this lingering feeling inside that if the one person I had truly wished to have kids with was no longer an option, I didn't want to do it with anyone else.

I also had this sense that I wouldn't make a great, even a good, single mom.  I knew without a doubt I needed a partner who was 100% committed to me and our children if I was going to start a family.  I could not imagine life as a single mom, trying to balance work and raising kids. 

Obviously when I was 25 I couldn't put these words to it, but I chose to listen to my instincts rather than to the many people who tried to convince me otherwise. 

When I met my boyfriend who would become my partner of 12 years, I was 36.  I could have pushed to have kids right away, but I had no interest.  In addition, I didn't want to be an "old" mom.  And before you get mad at me for saying that, hear me out.  Being pregnant, labor, sleepless nights, then the challenges of being constantly busy in getting kids to and from activities, school and everything else.  Just thinking about it made me tired.  At that point, my health and sanity were much more important to me than having a baby.  

I did grieve that life in the time before meeting my partner.  I never in a million years dreamed I would not have kids of my own.  I really did want to be a stay at home mom and wife.  I also couldn't admit that until now. 

As women, we're told and expected to have kids and raise a family of our own, but if that doesn't happen for us, we're supposed to assume the role of independent, successful woman. So that's what I tried to be.

When you're single for as long as I was, not only do people ask you constantly "Why?", assuming you have some fatal flaw, but you also start to believe it.  I had been so conditioned to believe that my self worth was wrapped up in having a husband and kids that I figured I must just not be the kind of woman men want.

Fast forward to today, that man (THE ONE) is now my boyfriend.  All the grief and sadness of not have kids of my own resurfaced when we got together.  I had no idea those feelings would come back to haunt me, I truly thought I had checked that off my list of things to heal.  However, my heart broke all over again for the life we didn't get to share and the family I would never have. 

Rather than avoid the pain and walk away from a life with my boyfriend, I'm learning new ways of "mothering".  Mothering doesn't just include having kids of your own.  It can be in mothering others, birthing and mothering your ideas and bringing them to life, or maybe it's in teaching and supporting others in developing themselves.

We've been led to believe that we can have it all, but I've always wondered....at what cost?  I could have had kids, but I couldn't ignore that nagging feeling that it wasn't a good idea.  Now looking back I see why.

Everyone's instinct is to say of course you could manage, you would figure it out, it all works out in the end.  But that just invalidates the inner knowing I had that motherhood, at least in this life, wasn't for me.

I do appreciate my friends and family for trying to support me in that way and at the same time, we need to start encouraging women to listen to their inner wisdom, not ignore it.  Just because society has told women for 100's of years to procreate, doesn't mean they should. 

I know without a doubt, my health would have suffered even more had I tried to force children into my life.  My energy could not keep up with the pace of trying to do it all.  And in fact, rather than leaning into anything, I needed to lean out.